Monday, February 10, 2014

Ten Reasons Being a Vegan doesn't Suck as badly as you Think it does

10) Peanut Butter

In the words of the Black Leonardo, George Washington Carver: "peanuts are the shit." Peanut butter contains, ostensibly, peanuts and salt. Eat it with a clean conscience (and gut) as it has lots of protein and fiber.  Be sure to pick a butter sans hydrogenated oils and additives, and if you like you can try almond, cashew, or sunflower butter - they are comparable nutritionally.


9) Sriracha

 Not really good or bad for you - just freaking delicious.  Comes from a company in California with the worlds worst website.  Also doubles as a simple halloween costume for people without ideas.



8) Chocolate (dark chocolate duh)

Chocolate has been consumed by humans for at least 1500 years. The Mayans chugged their chocolatey "drink of the gods" not for its delicious (actually bitter and bland without any sugar) flavor, but because of its psychoactive properties.  In addition to dilating blood vessels by activating nitrous oxide (serve a toblerone and save the viagra), cocoa is choc-full of caffeine and some other mild stimulants.  Now in honor of the 50th anniversary of Nutella (est. 1964 - and not vegan unless you make it yourself) here's a picture of a girl eating a chocolate bar, while sitting on the world's biggest chocolate bar.



Want to find out the seven things that suck the least about being a vegan??




7) Exercise

If you work out regularly you will feel better, look better, and be smarter, longer (exercise programs delay the onset of cognitive decline).  To ensure veganism use a ball made of synthetic materials and obviously hunting is not on the list of approved activities. Some of my favorite athletes happen to be named Michael.





6)  Kale Wraps

Kale is awesome and whoever made up the dirty lie that it damages your thyroid is a silly person and should be stopped.  Make a salad with kale, avocado, vegannaise, nutritional yeast, cucumber, carrot, and sprouts, and roll that up like a burrito - then cut it in half and splay for optimal beauty.  If you're adventurous add some sriracha (see above) or if you're not vegan try adding feta cheese and really going nuts.





5) Guacamole

Veganism is secretly all about the sauces and dips.  Guacamole is a lot like chocolate: it comes from Mexico, it's vegan, and it makes everything better.  Guap means money while Guac is short for Guacamole. However Guacamole should really be pronounced like "Wacka-Molé." If you know the real pronunciation this is a funny picture:




4) Hummus

This video encapsulates the hummus experience nicely - getting it on your hands - running out of things to dip into it - many ingredients including Tahini, and Chickpeas (rhymed with "that's the trick, see?") They also reference Phineas Gage (the dude from your intro psychology course) and basically every neighborhood in Detroit. 



3) Bagels (better get that tofu cream cheese though)

(CAUTION - FISH IS NOT VEGAN - BUT IT IS DELICIOUS)

The Bagel and the Jew are inseparable creatures. Proof? The word bagel is actually Jewish (Yiddish).  The first mention of the word bagel is as a gift for Polish women after childbirth.  BOOM - As you take the first bite of your perfectly toasted whole wheat everything bagel with jalapeno cream cheese tofu spread, and take that sip of your hot coffee with almond milk the pain of childbirth will pale in comparison to the natural bagel-high sweeping through your bloodstream.

The three best bagels in NYC are:

Murray's Bagels:


I love the combination of great fish, fresh bagels, and tons of choices for cream cheese/toppings.  They come correct on portions and also have good coffee selections.


Russ and Daughters:


These dudes are straight up fish scientists. They literally wear lab coats and will cut your fish so thin it will melt in your mouth. Be careful because after you grab your number at the door you could end up waiting a long time depending on the time of day/year. I spent more than an hour on a Sunday morning during passover last year.  Obviously it's worth it.

Leo's Bagels


In lower Manhattan Leo is the bagel king.  These bagels are always fresh because of the steady influx of customers. Still they are well-staffed so waits are short.  I love their bagels, shmears, and fish, although they are probably the most expensive of the three choices. 


2) Beer

Veganism is starting to look pretty damn good at this point.  We already have multiple dips, bagels, hot sauce, and kale wraps and now we deliver a delicious IPA to wash that awesomeness down.  The beer will also taste delicious after a long and hard workout (see #7).




Here's a video that speaks to my beer experiences growing up in Southeast Michigan. Olde English was a favorite and when you consume it in large quantities it will cause you to make poor decisions.  RIP Proof.



1) Sex


If you're going to cash in on the best guilt-free experience a vegan can have why not make it with one of these two attractive instagram users!



Thanks for reading the top ten reasons being a vegan doesn't suck as badly as you think it does!

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